Parent’s guide to greater mindfulness

Every year, I attend a celebration at a culture center in my neighborhood. It’s one of my favorite days filled with music, dancing, art, and poetry. Children giggle and run through the halls, old friends discover one another, hugs and kisses abound.

One year, by the third hour, however, sounds and shapes started to blur. My good vibe melted away. I felt dizzy . . . my head was throbbing. My only thought: Get me out of here.

At this point, my three-year-old daughter decided she no longer needed a father and dashed away into the crowd. The chase began with arms flailing and hands waving as she darted between legs and under tables.

“I don’t want to go home, Papa! Leave me alone!”

I tried to stay calm, but inside I was boiling. I had the creeping awareness that I was being scrutinized – as a leader in the community, a therapist who works with children and families. What did they think of my daughter yelling and bullying me?

Finally, I scooped her up and carried her out onto the street. She wiggled and squirmed in my arms like a greased monkey, and wham! My back goes out.

As we speed toward home in an overheated taxi, all I could think about was revenge.

“I’m going to teach her a lesson…I’m going to show her who’s boss…I’m going to…”

I caught my reflection in the taxi window. My face was red, the veins in my neck and forehead were bulging, and my teeth were clenched. I looked like a mad man.

Just then her little hand tugs on my shirt. “Papa, why are you so mad?”

I’m stunned by the question. “Why am I so mad?” I sputtered and puffed. Before I could answer she stated what is obvious to her, but not to me. “This is a happy day. You’re making it a sad one.”

Oh, man. I fumbled for a defense and found none. She was right. I acted out in ways that violated all my advice to parents. I was vindictive, mean, and worse of all, humorless. All my strategies – my training, my schooling, my degrees – in the heat of the taxing parenting moment were useless.

Starting over

A famous Buddhist quote by Nichiren Daishonin asserts that all the knowledge in the universe is of little value until you perceive the true nature of your life.

Until I learned to manage my own feelings, I was trapped in a losing game of trying to manipulate and control my child, a joyless world of punishments and rewards.

When we reached home, I collapsed in a chair and my eyes fell upon the parenting books that stock my bookshelves. I imagined myself opening a window and tossing them out, every one of them.

What good is scholarly dissertation or self-help advice if my own parenting springs from such a low state of life?

No child is easy, that’s for sure. But the real cause of my stress was my lack of mindfulness – my inability to manage my own thoughts and feelings and the root of most parenting problems I see in my office.

It was time for me to take my own medicine, stop obsessing about my kid’s behavior, and start reflecting on my own.

The true cause of our happiness or unhappiness with our children is often deeply rooted in ourselves; our attitudes and beliefs constantly shape our relationship with our kids. Purifying and understanding our internal world are the most important actions we can take to improve our parenting.

The parent practice

Lawyers practice law, doctors practice medicine, and mothers and fathers practice parenting. Practice is the key word because it indicates an ongoing process of learning. Being a parent is not an identity; it’s a part of who you are. To be a better parent, you have to consider all aspects of yourself. Everything that makes you goes into your parenting.

That means any gaps you have in your emotional development – insecurities, immaturities, fears – affect your parenting. Only a commitment to ongoing personal growth and inner transformation will produce lasting results. Changing your behavior is the express lane to influencing change in your child’s behavior.

Here are a few steps you can take to develop more mindfulness in your parenting:

Stop punishing, threatening & blaming

This criminal minded approach to parenting is quite popular and can get you results for a while, but is fraught with dubious pitfalls. Robotically playing judge, jury, and executioner, dishing out punishments and laying down the law is a bore and links your relationship with too much negativity. No one benefits from harassment, because in the end, both parent and child suffer. I have found that incentives, praise, and self-esteem building activities produce far better results. This requires that you suspend your reactive impulse to lash out. Be sure to take a break in heated moments until you are in a better frame of mind and have considered options that are more constructive.

Take responsibility for your own behavior first

It’s much easier to blame your kid for his behavior rather than consider your own. They say children hear 10% of what you say but absorb 90% of what you do. If you are a yelling, meltdown-prone parent, consider this: Criticizing your child for his behavior is like blaming the mirror for your reflection. Start with your own behavior, and then turn your attention to your child.

Find ways to enjoy your kid again

If your relationship with your kid has deteriorated into nagging and badgering, an endless battle over schoolwork and household chores, it’s time to make some changes. When was the last time you had fun together? What mutually fulfilling activities can you resurrect? Enjoying each other’s company will keep communication open and enhance closeness. It will also give you more leverage and influence during tough times.

Tend to your own happiness

An unhappy parent is a burden for a child. Some parents obsess about their kid as a way to avoid troubling issues in their own life. If you are unhappy in your relationship with your spouse, partner, parents, or friends, if you lack ambition and drive in your career, if you have a tendency toward anxiety or depression – all these conditions affect your parenting. Addressing and resolving these issues is the best gift you could give your kid.

Childcare begins with self-care

Find ways to sooth your parenting angst and avoid dumping your tension on your kid. There are all kinds of therapeutic activities available to you: tension releasers such as meditation and exercise; creative outlets such as writing, music, and art; and emotional enhancers such as social outings, support groups, or therapy. All these activities will infuse greater mindfulness into your daily life and enrich your parenting. Anyone can be happy under good conditions, but the ability to sustain happiness in difficult times must be cultivated.

A deeper understanding

There’s no way around it, parenting is tough going, but when you get it right, there’s no better job in the world.

Parenting offers you a chance to grow beyond limited notions about yourself. It is an opportunity to deepen your humanity by developing greater wisdom, patience, and compassion. Rather than duplicate mistakes, learn from them and strive to grow and evolve with your children.

Sean Grover

Sean Grover, LCSW, author of When Kids Call the Shots, has worked in child development and adult psychotherapy for 20 years, and maintains one of the largest private group therapy practices in the U.S. He has been quoted in Newsweek, New York Magazine, NPR, and elsewhere about parent-child relationships. For more information please visit SeanGrover.com and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter.

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