Are you worried your child is a quitter?

Have you signed your child up for swimming, soccer, gymnastics, piano lessons, or camp only to hear, “I don’t want to go!”?

It’s hard not to be furious, especially when money is involved.

Even if your child begged for you to sign him up, once he gets involved with the team or the lessons, he might say, “I don’t want to go anymore.”

Parents have hopes and expectations wrapped up in their child’s learning experiences. You may be the parent who never had an opportunity for anything extracurricular and is proud to afford these opportunities for your child. Maybe you’re the parent whose childhood was formed by your camp experiences, yet your own child stubbornly refuses to go to camp.

Your fears may include these thoughts:

She’s a quitter.

He never can commit to anything.

What will her boss do when she decides one morning she doesn’t want to go to work?

He just gives up so easily.

These fears lead us to all kinds of bribery and manipulation to get our kids to do what we want and what we think is best. However, we never realize how powerful our own agendas are.

How far should you push and when should you let it go? You may feel you need to set high expectations and prevent your kids from missing incredible opportunities. Perhaps you even think your child is being an unappreciative brat and that everything has to go her way.

It’s hard to let go.

It’s natural for kids to want to try new activities, and if it doesn’t turn out the way they expected, they will want to quit. Wouldn’t you? We jump to the “quitter” conclusion way too quickly and decide that our child will never follow through on anything.

Do you remember being pressured to do something you didn’t want to do? Did you ever think something was a great idea and then changed your mind? Of course you did. That didn’t make you a quitter.

Youth is about taking advantage of opportunities to try all kinds of different activities. Most children don’t know where their passions lie for many years to come. If a child hits on an activity that is of great interest, she will stick to it, but if she tries something that isn’t what she expected, she will want to stop.

Many kids find nothing of interest until high school, college, or even beyond. We need to present opportunities to our children with the expectation that if it clicks, great, but if not, oh well, let’s try something else. When he finds a match for his interest, he will stay. Have trust in your child’s potential.

Think of these opportunities as a way to give your child a taste of many activities. Some activities may be a good fit, others may not.

What should you do when your child refuses to attend an activity or has the desire to quit?

• Look at all sides of the problem. Could it be your child’s teacher, a particular instrument or sport, or other children involved that your child doesn’t like? Does your child feel stressed and over-programmed and simply need a break from activities.
• Acknowledge your child’s dislike, boredom, and wish to stay home. Acknowledgement does not mean agreement. Say something like, “Sounds like you changed your mind/aren’t happy with this program anymore/don’t feel like going today.”
• Use logical consequences. If he wants to quit, let him know about the teacher, coach, or team’s point of view. “Your team is expecting you. We need to show up today so you can talk to the coach.”
• Help your child solve a problem. It’s important that you don’t become resentful and reactive. Say something like, “I hear you want to change your mind. We all do that from time to time. I have spent quite a bit of money on this program. While I don’t expect you to take responsibility for that, how can we make this fair for both of us?” Then go to the bargaining table and come up with something that works for both of you.
• Set your boundaries. Remember, everything you offer or make available to your children is your choice. You can always say, “No. I don’t want to do all that driving,” or “We’re allocating our money for different activities this year.” If you try to make your child happy by going out of your way, you will probably react strongly and forcefully if he decides later he doesn’t want to follow through.

Allow your child to sample activities and decide for himself. His own motivation and engagement, whenever it comes, will serve him well.

Bonnie Harris

Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, is the director of Connective Parenting, dedicated to guiding parents in the discovery of why both they and their children behave and respond the way they do. She is the author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With. Bonnie teaches parent workshops and professional trainings internationally and offers private parent counseling through phone or skype. She is the mother of two grown children and lives in New Hampshire. For more information visit BonnieHarris.com.

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