13 Ways to help your kids cope with divorce

Fifty-percent of all marriages end in failure. That’s 50% of evangelical marriages, 50% of secular marriages, 50% of Jewish marriages, 50% of gay marriages – 50% of all marriages just end in failure. And that’s just the first marriage. Statistics show that in the U.S., not only do 50% percent of first marriages fail, but 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

The current modernist thinking about divorce says the kids will be all right. A couple of tough months maybe, but hey, now they can have two Christmas celebrations, two birthdays, and two Thanksgivings. And the occasional blood feud between Mom and Dad over money, time with the kids, what’s allowed here but not allowed there, etc…It’s just part of growing up.

Let’s put all the goofy studies about kids and divorce to bed. The kids collapse. They’re afraid and feel abandoned and threatened. Everything they know about a stable life has been shattered. All the research in the world indicates things never get better, emotionally, and often mentally. Their grades go down. They are more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol. They frequently become sexually active. All children of divorce experience serious separation anxiety. There’s mourning following divorce finalization. There’s confusion and anger when parents start to date. There’s maddening grief when parents argue. Sadly, these emotions can last for decades.

Recent research by the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry notes that adult children of divorce are at a greater risk of suicide than those from stable households. “Well, our children are only three and five. They won’t remember this in two years.” That idea is bonkers too. Again, research shows as these kids get older, they have even more trouble trusting parental relationships than teens do when their parents are divorced.

To hell with the kids? Even though two supposedly right thinking adults believe they can no longer live together, they must immediately recognize and address their children’s feelings, futures, and emotional stability.

What should parents do?

1. Depending on the age of your children, tell them what’s happening and why, but keep it simple and age specific. A teenager will understand adultery, a ten-year-old won’t.
2. Agree to never ever put your kids in the position of defending the other parent. Never talk about how their father is a jerk or their mother is insane. Be the adult here.
3. As much as possible, minimize changes on the kids. Keep them in the same bedroom, even though they’ll have another bedroom in the other parent’s new home.
4. Live as close together as possible, ideally across the street. This way kids can stay in the same neighborhood.
5. Reassure them over and over and over again that you both love them. You’ll both be there to help them with homework, play with them, and take them to school. You just won’t live in the same house.
6. Stay connected to your kids with text messages, Tweets, Tumblr postings, Facebook, whatever. Constantly send them messages of love and support.
7. Don’t use your kids to send messages back and forth to the other parent.
8. Don’t bitch, complain, or moan about the other parent – ever. Follow the adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
9. Don’t act jealous or upset about the time your kids spend with the other parent. Take it up with the other parent, don’t force your kids to choose sides.
10. Keep an eye on their grades, appearance, language, and friends. Agree to agree on these issues.
11. Alert your children’s school that you are getting divorced. Their teachers will be especially attentive to them. They may be the first to spot signs of anger or depression.
12. Don’t bring strangers home to your bedroom and don’t talk to your kids about your love life. Remember they’re still your kids, not your best friend. If you need a best friend, get one.
13. Get God involved. Pray for them constantly. Pray with them. If they’re at your house on Sunday, go to church together and get them involved in a church youth group. They need other kids to talk to and you can help determine who their friends are.

Finally, understand the most important thing: Even though you failed as a couple, you don’t have to fail as a parent. Talk to each other about how the kids are doing. How are they acting? What are the reports from school? Show your children all the love, kindness, and gentleness you can muster. Keep your home stable and quiet when the kids are around, but don’t let them use your guilt to manipulate you.

There’s no getting around the truth of it all. Divorce will be hard on your kids, but two grown people acting like loving parents can soften the blow.

Harry H. Harrison, Jr.

Harry is a New York Times best selling parenting author with over 3.5 million books in print. He is the author of numerous books including Fearless Parenting: Raising a Child to Face the Adult World. He has been interviewed on over 25 television programs and featured in over 75 local and national radio stations including NPR. His books are available in over thirty-five countries throughout Western Europe, Eastern Europe, Norway, South America, China, Saudi Arabia and in the Far East. For more information visit FearlessParenting.com.

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