Have an affair with your spouse: Add risk and adventure to marriage

If you’ve been married for any length of time, it’s likely that there have been times when passion and adventure waned. Routine and survival becomes the focus. It’s also very likely that throughout the course of a marriage, the passion, adventure, and even sex becomes routine and mechanical.

It’s during these times that one or both spouses may begin to wonder what they’re missing. The eyes begin to wander. Conversation with a coworker or friend of the opposite sex may get too personal or slightly cross the line into the inappropriate. If this lingering around the line continues, an affair is likely to occur. While this affair may not be sexual or even physical, emotional affairs can still be devastating to a marriage.

An affair is often not really about the other person or even sex, but more about the adventure and the risk. What if you had an affair with your spouse? Add some risk and adventure to your relationship. Spice things up. Role play. If there are two willing participants, go for it.

Feel free to take some liberty with this process in order to adapt it to your situation, and this should go without saying, but this is intended to be used with your spouse, not someone else.

The best way to start this affair is online. Send an email to your lover from a private email account. These can be created through Yahoo or Hotmail or many other services. Encourage your lover to create their own account as well, to be used exclusively for this relationship. Address the email to a pseudonym for your spouse. The initial email should be inviting and suggestive, but don’t move too quickly.

Part of the adventure and excitement is the wooing and enticing of your lover.

After the conversations have enticed and aroused the adventurous side of you and your spouse, arrange an inconspicuous meeting for drinks or lunch. This should occur during the  day, either during lunch or when you can slip away from your job to meet your adventurer over coffee. The important thing is that you meet with your lover and then return to your day. It’s also important to keep a low profile with these meetings. Even though you’re doing nothing wrong, in the spirit of the adventure, try to avoid being caught.

As the tryst continues to progress, be sure to keep the emails and the casual meetings coming. This will help in blending the affair into the marriage later.

As for the rest of the process, use your imagination and creativity. Here are a few ideas to keep adventure part of the process.

1. Never meet your lover for “affair sex” at your home. Part of the adventure is finding other places to hook up.
2. Agree never to discuss this part of the relationship at home.
3. Try to set up a regular schedule of “dates” with your lover.
4. Do what you can to meet your lover out of town once in a while.
5. Do not discuss your affair with anyone. At least until you and your spouse have incorporated the affair relationship into the marriage.

Enjoy the adventure. However, keep in mind that you will need to blend this part of your relationship back into your marriage.

Here’s how:

First, when the affair has gone on for a while, have a discussion with your lover about his/her experience during this adventure and share yours. These feelings and thoughts can be incorporated into the marriage going forward. Have this discussion over dinner during a night out marking the end of the affair and the beginning of a newly designed marriage.

Second, this process most likely awakened some passion and adventure within yourself and your spouse. Find ways to keep this growing in you. Feel free to express these passions and adventurous thoughts in the marriage. This will allow for longer lasting passion.

Third, remember that you and your spouse are lovers – not just parents, employees/employers, housekeepers, landscapers, chauffeurs, roommates, cooks, and friends.

Marriage is the best place to be yourself, and also the riskiest. Go on, take the risk. You may both enjoy it!

In what ways have you added adventure to your marriage?

Corey Allan Ph.D.

Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. He’s also a husband, father, author and speaker. Listen to his radio show Sexy Marriage Radio for honest, open, straight-forward talk about sex and marriage.

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