4 Ways to respond to an emotional spouse

Men, have you ever tried to explain to your spouse why she shouldn’t be as upset over a problem as she is? Even though you may be right and your logic is sound, has your explanation ever caused her to get even angrier than she already is and push you away?

As men, we often respond to emotional situations logically – thinking that if the problem is solved, there’s no need to be upset by it. However, when our spouse is experiencing a problem at an emotional level, responding logically is like getting on the right bus going the wrong direction. You think you’ve done the right thing, but in fact, you’ve missed it entirely.

Before we can address an emotional situation logically (which is extremely difficult to do because of the way the brain works), we need to address the situation emotionally. For those of you who just furrowed your brow in confusion, let me give you some helpful hints to remember how to resolve emotional situations within your relationships.

The 4 “S” words

An easy way to help your spouse when she begins to erupt emotionally is to remember these four “S” words and phrases: Create safety, increase security, provide support, and lessen stress.

Safety

When women don’t feel physically or emotionally safe, they feel anxious. Their brain tells them not to trust and to fight back, push away, or escape to prevent getting hurt. In this moment, it’s not helpful for men to joke with their wives or be sarcastic. Their best bet is to listen, be understanding, and help their wives feel physically and emotionally safe. This also applies to helping wives feel that their children are physically and emotionally safe.

Security

Women want to know that they’ll not only have their needs met today, but that their needs will be met tomorrow as well. When a wife isn’t sure if the mortgage, phone, or electricity bill is going to be paid this month, she likely feels a sense of insecurity. Because so much of her life is connected to and dependent upon her husband, many times wives feel out of control when they are unsure of their husband’s job status or ability to make ends meet. When a husband sees his wife starting to involve herself in his employment, or try to direct him to something that helps her feel more secure, it’s not time for a husband to get upset, yell, blame, or become defensive. Rather, recognize your wife’s increased involvement in what you’re doing. It’s not because she wants to be controlling but, more than likely, it’s because she wants her insecurity about her future to decrease. Reassurance, patience, and increased effort to help her feel secure will bring a better outcome than anger, defensiveness, or avoidance.

Support

After having three children and seeing how much my wife has sacrificed and given up for them, I honor the nature of motherhood and respect how much effort and pain mothers go through for their children. Mothers often give up many things that bring them happiness and pleasure because of the new restraints that come with being a mother of little children. Many hobbies get put on the back burner and passions get put on pause in order to nurse, burp, change, bathe, feed, and rock their little infants throughout each day. One thing a husband can do to help his wife in this new stage of life is to provide support so she doesn’t feel her life is the only one changed after having a baby. Support in many instances can include, putting in extra effort to read about sleep schedules or healthy foods for babies, attending doctor appointments when possible, or simply listening to your wife’s concerns and anxieties about each new phase of growth for your child. Providing support can also include scaling back on your own activities and taking care of your child adequately so that your wife can feel comfortable enough to have some time to herself in order to remember who she was before having kids.

Stress

Lastly, it’s important to remember that stress alters the way we see reality. It’s like looking at ourselves in a mirror at a fun house in an amusement park – where you have a huge head and a little body or your head is the size of an orange and your body is the size of a hippo. Stress distorts the way we see things. Therefore, when we see our loving wives react to us with abnormal irritation and impatience, rather than becoming offended and reactive, we may benefit more by stepping back and asking ourselves about our wife’s stress level. If we’d be stressed doing what she’s been doing all day, it would be more helpful to respond to a wife’s disgruntled comments by saying, “Sweetheart, how can I help ease some of your stress? Would you like me to take care of bed time for the kids tonight or help pick up and vacuum? Or would you like me to rub your feet or your neck and shoulders?” Most often, when our wife’s stress level comes down, their irritation and frustration does too. So, men, before you respond to your wife’s comments spoken in frustration, consider first what she’s feeling with regard to safety and security. Ask yourself how you’re doing at providing support, and what you’re doing to ease her stress.

Create safety, increase security, provide support, and lessen stress for your wife.

By focusing on these four areas, you can bypass entering unwinnable arguments, save money on marriage counseling, and help your spouse return to a logical state of mind quicker than trying to address emotional situations in a logical way. Remember to connect first, and then, after your wife feels understood emotionally, you can consider looking at the problem from a rational point of view.

What else would you add to this list?

Shiloh Lundahl

Shiloh Lundahl, LCSW, is a child and family therapist and an independent facilitator of Love and Logic® curricula. He currently teaches parenting classes in Mesa, Arizona and provides in-home therapy and counseling services. Shiloh uses an attachment and a family systems approach to therapy and has specialized training in working with children ages birth through six. Shiloh has three children of his own and he manages the parenting websites ParentArizona.com and ArizonaFamilyInstitute.com.

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